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Living with BPD


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I am a 29 year old female who was diagnosed originally at age 24 with BPD upon my 2nd suicide attempt. I was a cutter as a teenager, but not since age 18. My family is very important to me, we are all very close- my parents, 2 younger sisters and their husbands. For years my family dismissed that I had BPD, and those same years have been hell on earth for me. I had a major breakdown recently, was suicidal and had given up on life. It was when my family finally acknowledged my diagnosis that I proceeded to seek help. I have seen my psychiatrist once, she has me on Neurontin 900mg (small dose) and Prozac 20mg (also small dose) as of right now, and I go back to see her for only the 2nd time this week. I also have a FANTASTIC AWESOME psychologist/ counselor who is conveniently right around the corner from my work, who I see every Friday at noon. He has helped me a lot, he understands me and is the same faith as I am (Christian) so that makes me feel even better about the help I am getting. My recent issue has been that I still feel anxiety, but I supplement my other meds with Klonopin .5mg which helps even in those situations. For the years that I was an untreated borderline, I had so much emptiness, sorrow, suicidal emotions, depression, anxiety, and desperation in my heart I could barely contain it. I think journaling is the only thing that helped me survive those years, and having a very understanding and supportive best friend and boyfriend for the last 2 years has absolutely made the difference. I had been diagnosed as chronically depressed, GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) with horrible anxiety attacks, and even treated for these things over the years. But until they started treating me with the "right stuff", nothing helped COMPLETELY. I have only been on my meds for about 2 months now, but I have noticed a magnificent change in my life even in this short time. My boyfriend, my sisters, and even my family have really noticed as well (particularly my poor boyfriend, who dealt with me daily long before anyone else saw what a monster I'd become.) Before I started on the meds, every DAY was a nightmarish CHALLENGE- and that was all I could do to not break down, was take ONE DAY AT A TIME. For those of you out there who feel you have been misdiagnosed, I UNDERSTAND- and all I can say is DON'T GIVE UP... if you feel this is your problem and you have a physician who doesn't agree, get a 2nd or even 3rd opinion, and most importantly, SEE A PSYCHIATRIST... they can truly help. There are things that can help you, PURSUE THEM if you are truly convinced this may be your problem. It took me breaking down for my family to openly acknowledge there was a problem. My mom's exact words as I lay weeping on my bed as I tried to get the words out, "Mom, I've been trying to tell you this" were, "I've known there was a problem for some time." Those words were like music to my ears because everyone had been in denial for so long over it. When I heard those words, it was like RELEASE...I finally felt validated, like "I'm NOT CRAZY, as I have felt all these years!! Someone understands!" The REAL TRUTH is, BPD is a terrible, lonely, isolating, emotional disease, but THAT IS WHAT IT IS: A DISEASE. If you had diabetes, would you not take insulin? If you had cancer, would you not take chemo or radiation or surgery? It is the same concept. A DISEASE needs TREATMENT. There IS treatment available in counseling and medication. The two work hand in hand. I am writing to give you HOPE because the first step is to 1) acknowledge there is a problem; 2) seek help from any resource possible; 3) begin treatment and 4) enter recovery. I have read many places and my Dr has confirmed that many people "outgrow" the disease by their late 40's early 50's. Some even earlier, in the late 30's, early 40's. DON'T GIVE UP... There are so many people, even total strangers like myself that REALLY GENUINELY CARE about how you are doing! ANYONE who wants to talk directly instead of on the board, PLEASE CONTACT ME Please write!! Tell me your woes, let's work through this together guys!!!


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