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borderline personality disorder


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My 42y/o husband of 21 yrs has filed for divorce; he read a book and says I have BPD. I'm an RN, did some research & realize it's his hx that's suggestive of BPD - lies, hated his mother ("if she died tomorrow I wouldn't feel a thing")until 4 mos ago & his father worked alot, memories of being in his crib crying and no one came to soothe him, Dx of ADHD, unable to empathize (3 mos after my brother was killed he told me to "get over it", spent the week after the funeral hunting rather than returning home with me (in another state)), excessive pursuit of hobbies (golf, guns/hunts, snowmobile) at time & $ expense to family, frequent social drinking with friends he doesn't want me to socialize with, blames me for every thing (even an affair when he was stationed overseas and kids & I stayed in USA), can't handle stress, critical of everyone except those he wishes to associate with, didn't take part in parenting decisions, threatened frequently to leave before he did. I often felt like he wanted a Leave it to Beaver scenario, though I worked full-time outside the home and seemed to be expected to maintain our home, pay the bills, keep the kids on schedule. Auto accident injuries 3 yrs ago cost me my job (back to work as consultant) and left me with physical limitations; he seemed to have a very hard time with this. I feel like he sabotaged, we'd get close and he'd start putting me down, I'd withdraw to feel safe, frankly. We have 3 children, he doesn't think of what this is doing to them or me, has gone weeks without even a phone call to them. He's not had much of a relationship with our middle child (a son) as "we don't have anything in common" but has now cut him completely out of his life because the son chose to stay with me rather than move in with him (he didn't ask where the son preferred to stay until he'd left). It's like he has cut me out of existence period, so surprisingly cruel. I can't call him, states I can email him but no more than 1 page, 12 pitch. Refuses counseling, either for the children or with me. Control issue? I feel like I've been in a fog. Friends say it's been like watching someone on a roller coaster. Does this sound like BPD? I still care for him and know that somewhere there is the kind man I fell in love with, know I can't cure him. If I had to sum up his behavior over the past year in one word it would be "punishment". I think I have a codependent personality; I became depressed for a time because being with him was so emotionally lonely yet draining and trying to find a job was tough. Effexor and Ultram seemed to make things worse so I'm med free now. I'm better. My head says "walk", the heart says "hope". Any advice? Thanks.


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