I am a 36 year old woman who developed anorexia/bulima about two years ago. Because I am familiar with the topic I recognized it as an illness when the bulimia set in. This is no doubt a symptom of 18+ years of depression but it is so much worse now. I sought treatment and having to threaten my HMO allowed me to get treatment for about a month. This was not sufficient and I left only to return to periods of anorexia followed by periods of bulimia. In treatment they really pushed the 12 step programs but this is not for me. I have been and imagine I will always be pretty much a loner. I can manage my depression when I am in anorexic mode (far more functional and productive) but when I am in bulimic mode I often just see no point of trying anymore. It is at this point I just want to die. Eighteen years of therapy and then I develop this.....Tired of trying to get well, realize I will never be okay with myself, always see the flaws, see how dumb I really am, realize how I don't do well with people. It is rare to really trust people because they say one thing and their behavior is not consistent with what they say. What I really need help with is knowing how to get treatment, long-term, having an HMO and no savings. What exists out there for people with issues such as mine? The three days insurance and HMOs offer for stabilization is a waste. Nothing that will work long term will occur in three days. I have been hospitalized for my severe depression numerous times over the years. Medication sometimes helps but can't really tell whether it meds or something else I am doing. Right now I have a job and am managing but with the ups and downs and the stress of my work it is only a matter of time before I have to make a decision about what to do with myself. Thanks for reading this.