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I have always lived with being depressed, I always think about suicide and I even have tried to kill myself many times. The last time I tried to commit suicide was almost one month ago and here I am, still alive for some reason. I thought I kept this dark part of me to myself, but eventually my husband found out and even my work. Recently my administrator who is a RN confronted me about my depression and she advised me to seek medical help. I am a nurses aide and so I guess I should already know enough to go to my doctor, but I feel like a failure, so why even bother going to a doctor. Some people say I should be happy, I am married, I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful family, a job, a home and I have no deadly diseases. I should be thankful for my life, which I am, but their is something inside me that tells me otherwise and it gets harder to go on more each day. I find myself more of a hermit, I rather stay home on my weekends off and I refuse to go out on a date with my husband or a friend. I don't smile much anymore, I cry alot, I think about death, my funeral, would anyone really miss me? I feel my energy drain and I try so hard to be happy, so to hide my dark side of me, I just put on a pretend happy mood. I feel everything I do is wrong, that no one likes me, I think I am fat, ugly and stupid. I feel that God doesn't even want me up in heaven and I use to have a very strong faith. I don't pray like I use to and my beliefs have changed. Alls I know is I wish I was dead, 6 feet under and never have to feel this constant pain that won't go away. I don't want my husband or my family to have to put up with my misery anymore. I went to the doctors today and I confessed to my depression. I didn't tell him about my contemplations of suicide and I don't know if I will. I guess I will wait and see if this drug called, Paxil will help me and I have so many more depressive problems, but I cannot fit them all on this message. I am embarrassed and ashamed. One day I will go over the edge and then it will be to late, or more like to me I think death is the best option for me, no one would have to suffer in my life anymore. They can all be happy and it would be better for them, with me not being their. What more can I say?? Who really wants to help me and can I be helped? I doubt it, but I am opened to any help. Thanks


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